Independent Author Hits 100th Store:
Waterstone’s Doncaster!

First-time author of eclectic poetry and prose, Richard Sutherland, has been reaching out to bookshops far and wide since self-publishing his collection of short stories and humorous verse, ‘The Unitary Authority of Ersatz’.

Consisting of scenarios that range from the sombre to the slapstick, and with characters from the psychopathic to the fairy tale (including a philanthropic geneticist and a king made out of food), the contents all take place within the eponymous city and the reader is led around various areas, witnessing an array of events on the way.

Sutherland, who lives in Hull, East Yorkshire, worked in his local branch of Waterstone’s for 7 years, leaving in November 2009 to join the Marketing department at Hull Truck Theatre. Since then he has released his off-kilter book from his own home, been interviewed for various publications, hosted signing sessions and talks, and even had his work displayed in an exhibition called ‘The Writing on the Wall’, which ran at Hull Truck Theatre for 3 months this spring as a precursor for the Humber Mouth Literature Festival and Larkin25 celebrations.

‘The Unitary Authority of Ersatz’ is stocked all over the country in Waterstone’s branches from Aberdeen to Truro, Cardiff to Colchester, and also in some independent stores such as Orb's Bookshop in Huntly, News From Nowhere in Liverpool, and Webberley’s Bookshop in Stoke-on-Trent.
“There’s even a copy in Waterstone’s Brussels,” smiled the author. “So technically I’ve gone international.”

However, the 100th location to welcome the title onto its shelves is none other than Waterstone’s in the Frenchgate Centre, Doncaster.
“It made me chuckle when I found out,” said the 28 year old. “I have fond memories of trips to Donny Market with my family when I was a kid.”
Abigail Damms, Fiction specialist at Waterstone’s Doncaster, said, “It’s a collection of short stories worthy of comparison to Douglas Adams in their scope, humour and imagination.”

But that’s not the final chapter for this author.
“Aside from slowly but surely writing a second collection,” explained Richard, “I’m always on the lookout for future projects. Another exhibition is being discussed, this time in Leeds; I love taking part in community events such as street festivals, where I might read a story or two on stage; and I’m even toying with the idea of turning some of my work into visual pieces, such as greetings cards and framed prints with illustrations accompanying the verse.”

Richard Sutherland’s ‘The Unitary Authority of Ersatz’ is a £7.99 paperback available nationwide and from the author’s website, which also gives sneak peeks at upcoming work and information on events:
www.ersatzscribblings.com

Foodstuff Golem King | Create your badge

O Foodstuff Golem King with eyes of pastrami,
lettuce leaf tongue and nostril salami,
as you perch on your throne of marmalade shred,
I can’t help but gaze at your strawberry head.
How I long to lick sugar from those big doughnut ears,
and dip crumpet hands in sweet chocolaty tears.

You were always delicious, even as a baby,
nappies just perfect for soaking up gravy;
your juvenile acne was made up of sultanas,
the skin where it thrived goes great with bananas.
Then as you grew older and sprouted a beard,
the hairs on your chin were jam neatly smeared.

O Foodstuff Golem King, I can’t stand the suspense;
bring forth my spoon: let the orgy commence!

The blood in your veins is sweet chilli sauce,
for dunking prawn toes before the main course,
which consists of none other than your own beefsteak legs,
cooked medium-rare, topped with testicle eggs.
For afters, with a spoon, I dig into your bum:
fruity sponge cake, with sweat droplet rum.

I would eat your arms but I’ve a family to feed,
so don’t you go saying I’m a slave to my greed,
but your lips make a dish of finest smoked kippers,
plus pots of your snot for various dippers.
And I simply can’t resist your organs of toffee,
a perfect companion to hot plasma coffee.

O Foodstuff Golem King, whether chunk, pint or slice,
your flavour’s sublime, be it sugar or spice.

Having lazily crunched through each breadstick thumb,
I wipe my lips clear of fingernail crumb.
I should now be full, as I chew apple nipple,
and wash it all down with tart spittle tipple.
Yes, I’m a monster, having wreaked all this damage,
but it’s not my fault that you make a great sandwich.

With hands on fat belly I burp my approval;
the final act now is royal morsel removal
from your half-eaten throne that’s empty and bare,
it’s not my concern how your subjects will fare.
You should have made plans regarding your demise,
instead of producing a family of pies.

O Foodstuff Golem King, I sit on your throne,
O Foodstuff Golem King, and with a cocktail stick bone,
O Foodstuff Golem King, I pick my teeth clean,
but alas, I'm still hungry...dear king, where's your queen?

Send a royal message to The King: foodking@bananapenguin.com

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